Long Winded Lecture or Short Questions: Which Works?

by Sharon Silver (reprinted with permission)

Have you ever given a long-winded lecture after a timeout? Does it sound something like this, "We have rules for a reason. When I make a rule you're supposed to follow it-not ignore it, do you understand me? When I tell you not to take your sisters things I mean it! How would you feel if she took your favorite things?"

We've all done it. I was always afraid that if I didn't have a long-winded lecture to make my point my children would never figure things out for themselves. That's just not true.

Did you know that to a young child a long-winded lecture feels just like another timeout?
Lectures can cause a child to say things like "I never do it again, promise!" in order to make the lecture stop.

· Children do try to absorb what you're saying but "big talks" can be too much information all at once. Some children may begin to shut down or withdraw instead of listening to you when you lecture. Watch your child's body language. If his body stiffens, he rubs his eyes, hands or legs, or tries to give you a hug as you're lecturing, he's trying to tell you that he's reached his limit and needs the lecturing to
stop. He's trying to tell you, in the best way he can, that he can't absorb your feelings and his feelings about what he did and the consequence all at once, it's just too much for him.

· Wait a minute-I thought explaining something to my child was what I'm supposed to do? How she'll really learn what you want her to learn is to ask her what her thoughts are about what happened and then wait silently as she musters up the courage to talk to you about it.

· How can I get her to share her thoughts? The words Safe, Kind and Honest have been used for a long time and have become popular again. At a time when your child isn't crying or in trouble explain the concept behind the words using examples to make sure she understands. Let her know these are the new rules in the family. After she understands all of that, use the words as part of a question instead of lecturing. Don't assume that because she's fully verbal she understands the concept behind the words and how her actions impact others.

Ask her if what she did was safe? Allow her to think about it for 10-20 seconds without saying anything. Then ask if what she did was kind, and again wait silently. If needed ask her if she's being honest about what happened, and wait. The words safe, kind and honest serve as a reminder of what the family rulesare without you needing to lecture to get the point across.

When the words/rules are used in question form they cause her to really think about them over and over again, which is also the best way for her to remember them too. Asking questions really can replace lecturing and timeout because they cause more learning to occur then just sitting in timeout.

· Silence is golden for a reason and there's a warning. When you ask a question and then become silent for 10-20 seconds it does many things. The 1st thing it does is allow your child to think about what happened and how it impacted another. Her answer allows you to see how she views the situation so you can fill in any missing information. Silence after each question allows you to take a deep breath, release your anger and regain your calm.

Warning: Use silence for just a few seconds; if she doesn't answer your question, help her out. Children don't like this because it makes them take responsibility for their actions. This only works if you're loving and empathetic while asking the questions. Slowly ask the questions to guide your child to his/her own aha moment versus feeding them all the answers thru your long-winded lectures.

So next time, instead of giving long-winded lectures, try using the words Safe, Kind and Honest and then beSilent. It teaches your child more than you think.

Sharon Silver is the founder of ProActive Parenting www.proactiveparenting.net, a site helping parents Stop Reacting & Start Responding. She hosts Ask Me @momtv.com and Getting to the Heart of the Matter @toginet.com. Join her on twitter @proactvparentng.